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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.