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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.