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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.