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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.