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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!