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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.