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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.