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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.