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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.