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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.