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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.