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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
Multitasking? Iām not even good at unitasking.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.