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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.