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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.