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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.