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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.