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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.