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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.