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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.