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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.