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Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling