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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards