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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.