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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.