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I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!