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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?