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off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity