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Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.