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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks