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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches