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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars