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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
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Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.