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More food should come with prizes inside it.
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.