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trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I am used but in good condition.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.