Daily Silly Status

I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat

I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..

I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.

I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.

Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.

If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.

Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.

Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.

Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…

I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.