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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?