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"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.