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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.