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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.