Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.