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I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.