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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.