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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?