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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"