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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.