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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"