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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.