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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.