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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally