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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.