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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.