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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.