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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Insert coin to view my status message.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?