Daily Silly Status

Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.

I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com

Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat

When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you

Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)

Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.

3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.

There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".