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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome