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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.