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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Iām shy at first, but once Iām comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`