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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"