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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.