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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
A man is as faithful as his options
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Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.