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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?