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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time