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You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?