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Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Mondays should start at noon.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.