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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride