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I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.