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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals