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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
That`s not how I met your mother.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.