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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative