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Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!