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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.