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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.