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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation