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Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.