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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I’m late for a disappointment.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.