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Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...