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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)