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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.