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I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
there is no strong beer, only weak men
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.