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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!