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I order all my food with extra gluten.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!