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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.