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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.