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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.