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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?