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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
My pants are 75% off.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.