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It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.