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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.