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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.