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For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it