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I put the pro in inappropriate.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.