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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.