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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
The best things in life require no pants.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!