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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I think, therefore i`m single.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?