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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, āIām not crazy!ā and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"