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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Life`s too short for Salad..............
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.