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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"