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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
i only drink on days that end with y
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it