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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Please do not read this.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...