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The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.