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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
Marriage tip: Don`t
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.