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I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.