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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.