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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?