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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.