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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.