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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.