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2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.