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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."