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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.