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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers