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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!