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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing