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My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time