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I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.