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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball