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God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.