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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.