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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.