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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves