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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...