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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.