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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.