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Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.