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You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.