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Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
I think, therefore i`m single.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them