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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.