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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I need new swear words.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?