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Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there