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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!