Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.