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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My whole life is based on a true story...