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Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.