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OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.