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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops