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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.